keeps_a_cool_head | Log 0018

Log 0018 - [Video]

[Someone is in an angry sort of mood, given post-flood shenanigans. Scorpius is keeping himself relatively calm by usual standards, but he's tense and bristling when he makes his post]

I should like the permission of a warden to work in the lab today.

[All day. Because hell if he's going to deal with emotions.]

[Private to Horatio]

I believe I owe you an apology. The responsibility of my flooded self lies with me.

[Private to Stephanie]

Thank you for keeping the situation under manageable control.

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My anatomy begs to differ.

[ Lucky her, the only thing that changed was her body. It was one hell of a ride, let her tell you. ]

You were a whole different animal.

[ That came out a little more speciesist than she intended. ]

Yes. But your mind remained intact.

[He's not just a bit jealous. When Scorpius had absolutely nothing, he could always depend on his mind. The last flood proved that that was no longer the case.]

My paternal genes were able to better surface. What you saw was a halfbreed attempting to pass herself off as a full-blooded Scarran.

One of the oddities of genetics.

I didn't even know this sort of flood could do that.

[ She figured it would always be a straight male-female switch, but hey, genetics. Then again she sort of wonders if anyone ever turns intersex, or anything like that. ]

I get it. You overcompensate for high expectations you couldn't possibly live up to.

[ Hello, overly-physical younger Steph. ]

I adapted to survive. It only so happens that she found an easier time fitting in than escaping.

I still can hear her. Laying her lies one after the other in my mind.

[And this irks him to no end. His mind is precious to him: interlopers are not appreciated]

You get used to it. [ Is all Steph can really say in regards to that. She's been several different people now, and while it was rattling at first now she's gotten comfortable with the jumble of memories in her head. ]

Sometimes you can even learn something, being someone else for a few days.

[Stephanie can get used to it all she likes. Scorpius plans to change it the moment he has a chance]

Most floods are a learning experience. That one was not. And it would be better if it were forgotten entirely.

[ Oh, Scorpy. What will we do with you? ]

Funny, I thought you'd like the challenge of trying to find meaning in the Admiral's shenanigans.

The meaning was obvious. Which was part of the reason why I found it so insulting.

Well, let's hear it then. What did you take out of being an admittedly kinda crazy chick for the weekend?

The Admiral wished to teach me perspective. He fails to grasp the idea that I have already considered the point of view of my target enemy and found it lacking. My opinion has not changed.

Have you thought there might be more to it than your war plans? My graduation was less about my plans and more, you know, personal. There is life after genocide. For you, I mean. Obviously there isn't life for the dead people.

Let us consider what path my life may take post-genocide after I have earned it back.

[He senses this won't ever happen. The Admiral won't let him leave while he continues to foster his plan]

No, let's consider it first. If this is just a suicide mission for you then there's not really any point, is there? You're dead. Someone else can do it, and if they can't, then it doesn't really affect you anyway. Why work so hard to get your life back if you're just going to throw it away?

[He pauses in his recalibration, standing up and turning towards his warden to look at her]

It is not a suicide mission: or, at least, I would prefer it not to be. I don't enjoy the idea of pointlessly dying for any cause in the name of sacrifice.

There is no one else who can: more, there is no one else who deserves to.

This is my project: my life is wholly encompassed in this work I have chosen for myself. Once that work is complete, I can turn my attention to other things.

But not before.

Once that work is complete, you'll have nothing else. And if all you're focused on is this one mission, how are you supposed to finish it? You don't graduate by assuming that you're going to. You graduate by doing things differently than you've done your whole life. It's not something you study for or research, it's something you do.

The puzzle of my graduation is still being ascertained.

I had nothing else before I began this work. I know precisely to what I will be returning.

That's just, I mean... [ She's having a little trouble articulating her instinctive emotional response. ]

People aren't meant to live like that.

I agree.

And yet without the purpose I chose for myself, it's debatable whether I would have lived to this age at all.

When you have nothing, hatred can be a damaging, useful tool. It focuses the mind wonderfully, but it leaves very little else in your life.

Fortunately there is nothing I've left wanting to fill that gap.

And it is not only hatred that compels me to destroy them, Stephanie. I feel pity and disgust for them; I feel a slight urge to protect the Peacekeepers I spent arns of my life working beside. Perhaps even I feel love for a memory of someone I've never met.

My life is my own to do as I want with it. This is what I want.

That's not fortunate, that's horrible. You have nothing to live for, nothing at all? You can't ask me to give you a chance and expect me to be okay with your life being meaningless. All that hatred does is keep you stuck where you are, and have you looked around lately? It's not a place anyone in their right mind would want to be.

I neither said my life was meaningless nor that I had anything to live for. Only that I was born from nothing and acquired meaning and purpose over time. It may not be a purpose you approve of, but it is one I chose.

And despite the pain, I enjoy being alive.

The purpose I chose got me killed.

[ She does make a good point - sometimes our mission in life is an idiotic one. ]

An unfortunate risk, when we heedlessly follow what we most desire.

Are you really sure you're not doing the same thing?

I'm doing exactly the same thing.

But you've failed to convince me of an alternate path I ought to be taking that would eliminate the very real threat in my universe, satisfy my desire for revenge, and not get me killed. Again.

I'm not talking about how many people you kill or how you decide to do it, I'm talking about the rest of your life. I'm talking about - believe it or not - doing something more than just fighting for what you believe in. There's more to life than just right and wrong. Without all of the good stuff in-between none of it means anything.

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