Log 0018 - [Video]

[keeps_a_cool_head]

[Someone is in an angry sort of mood, given post-flood shenanigans. Scorpius is keeping himself relatively calm by usual standards, but he's tense and bristling when he makes his post]

I should like the permission of a warden to work in the lab today.

[All day. Because hell if he's going to deal with emotions.]



[Private to Horatio]

I believe I owe you an apology. The responsibility of my flooded self lies with me.

[Private to Stephanie]

Thank you for keeping the situation under manageable control.

Comments

private;

[ichoosefight]

That's just, I mean... [ She's having a little trouble articulating her instinctive emotional response. ]

People aren't meant to live like that.

private;

[keeps_a_cool_head]

I agree.

And yet without the purpose I chose for myself, it's debatable whether I would have lived to this age at all.

When you have nothing, hatred can be a damaging, useful tool. It focuses the mind wonderfully, but it leaves very little else in your life.

Fortunately there is nothing I've left wanting to fill that gap.


And it is not only hatred that compels me to destroy them, Stephanie. I feel pity and disgust for them; I feel a slight urge to protect the Peacekeepers I spent arns of my life working beside. Perhaps even I feel love for a memory of someone I've never met.

My life is my own to do as I want with it. This is what I want.

private;

[ichoosefight]

That's not fortunate, that's horrible. You have nothing to live for, nothing at all? You can't ask me to give you a chance and expect me to be okay with your life being meaningless. All that hatred does is keep you stuck where you are, and have you looked around lately? It's not a place anyone in their right mind would want to be.

private;

[keeps_a_cool_head]

I neither said my life was meaningless nor that I had anything to live for. Only that I was born from nothing and acquired meaning and purpose over time. It may not be a purpose you approve of, but it is one I chose.

And despite the pain, I enjoy being alive.

private;

[ichoosefight]

The purpose I chose got me killed.

[ She does make a good point - sometimes our mission in life is an idiotic one. ]

private;

[keeps_a_cool_head]

An unfortunate risk, when we heedlessly follow what we most desire.

private;

[ichoosefight]

Are you really sure you're not doing the same thing?

private;

[keeps_a_cool_head]

I'm doing exactly the same thing.

But you've failed to convince me of an alternate path I ought to be taking that would eliminate the very real threat in my universe, satisfy my desire for revenge, and not get me killed. Again.

private;

[ichoosefight]

I'm not talking about how many people you kill or how you decide to do it, I'm talking about the rest of your life. I'm talking about - believe it or not - doing something more than just fighting for what you believe in. There's more to life than just right and wrong. Without all of the good stuff in-between none of it means anything.

private;

[keeps_a_cool_head]

Elaborate on good stuff, please.

private;

[ichoosefight]

I fight to protect the people in my city so that they can live. So they can relax on their couches without wondering when the next bomb is going to go off. Hang out with their friends without wondering if there's a gang of muggers around the next corner. Have kids without wondering if they're going to live long enough to go through puberty. Make friends without wondering which ones are going to survive into adulthood. So they can do something with their lives besides try to escape. So the next generation can have a better childhood than I did.

And I plan to survive to be a part of that life, too. I want kids, friends, lovers, a yard I can't seem to keep flowers alive in, a dog I have no idea how to take care of. I want to try and fail at things that won't leave me bleeding to death in some psychopath's basement, because that's what normal kids do and I grew up thinking it was all impossible for me.

I want everything I was never allowed to want for myself.

private;

[keeps_a_cool_head]

[For an instant, Scorpius looks inexplicably, profoundly tired. The things Stephanie describes to him are so out of reach, they're practically alien. He will never have, nor likely ever desire to have children of his own; he has never had a friend, though not for lack of trying when he was his warden's age. Lovers he takes occasionally, but these come and go from his life like the wind, and he can never trust them: he has a deepening suspicion most are physically repelled by his appearance, and only his power and intellect attract them. He thrives in the cutthroat world of his universe and managed to make it his own: Stephanie is describing a life he knows he will never, ever have. Even if he decided he wanted it. ]

[At the same time, he's...content. He wanted to never be a prisoner again; the Barge doesn't count in this, as it's viewed more of a training or test ground. He wanted to join the Peacekeepers, and found a way around their blood purity laws. Family and friends and small, simple joys he'd long ago given up first as unattainable and then as something he decided he never wanted in the first place.

The idea of friends was fine in and of itself, but the practice was exhausting. Constant betrayals plagued him, not to mention his inability to shut off that portion of his mind that kept thinking of all the myriad ways to use the people around him. By this point, he couldn't help it: it was instinctual.

What had he been denied as a child?

Well. Besides everything.]

Normalcy is not an example I have ever seen in my part of the universe. There never has, nor ever will be a satisfactory precedent.

Our lives are too dissimilar, Stephanie. What you want is not what I want.

Private;

[ichoosefight]

[ It's just not translating properly. He's right, their lives are too different, and she's not good at generalizing her own experiences in words. Abstractly she knows there's a universal truth there, if only she can put it in a way he'll understand. ]

Of course it isn't. It's different for everyone, but there still have to be things that you want. Stupid little things that aren't right or wrong but are still worth living for. Things that make you happy, even if it's just the feeling of going to bed after a really long day.

Private;

[keeps_a_cool_head]

[He steps around the Aurora chair to sit down in it, not having the capacity to concentrate on it for as long as this conversation goes on. Already decidedly worn from his tiff with Blight, Scorpius is at somewhat of a loss of what to tell Stephanie. Stupid little things that make him happy? He has a few. But they're private, and he doesn't trust her well enough to divulge them. Doesn't trust...

Oh, well. That's one of them right there, isn't it?]

Something I want.


I would like someone I could trust absolutely. Someone who could keep my secrets. A person I could trust with my life and my purpose, to follow instructions not as I say but how I'd wish them to be done. Preferably someone who is not repulsed by my appearance and doesn't recoil from my conversation.

Private;

[ichoosefight]

Well there you go. Save the universe, then find yourself the perfect intern.

[ Yes that is what she got from that description. ]

Private;

[keeps_a_cool_head]

An intern.

[So dry. so very, very dry]

Shall I begin conducting interviews?

Private;

[ichoosefight]

I don't think "trustworthiness" is really something you can interview for.

[ Joking, she's joking now. ]

Private;

[keeps_a_cool_head]

No. I'm afraid not.

If you knew precisely how many people blatantly lied to your face, I doubt you'd be nearly as optimistic about trust, Stephanie. It's a far greater number than you think.

Private;

[ichoosefight]

[ This is so ironically hilarious to her that she actually snorts, loud enough that she feels the need to cover her face because wow that was embarrassing. ]

Are you kidding me? I live my whole life navigating lies. I spent most of my young adulthood fighting tooth and nail for the trust of people who wouldn't tell me their real names. I lived with a crook and a druggie, I know how often people lie to me. I'll give you a hint: it's basically all the time.

Private;

[keeps_a_cool_head]

[The answer noticeably surprises him. Scorpius leans forward on his knees, looking Stephanie over]

Then how is it you presume to believe there is someone out there I would be willing to give my trust?

For your observations as a warden, I have never lied to you.

Private;

[ichoosefight]

It's an infinite universe. Everything has to exist somewhere.

And anyway life is too depressing when you assume the worst. I can't afford to think like that.

[ Which is not to say that she doesn't think like that - only that she knows that she mustn't. ]

Private;

[keeps_a_cool_head]

I prefer to live in reality. Depressing or not.


[He stands up out of the chair, walking around it, before looking to Stephanie]

I suppose I could not convince you to test this with me.

Private;

[ichoosefight]

Fuck no. [ She's partly surprised by the question, partly just that adamant. ] I like my memories where they are, thanks.

Private;

[keeps_a_cool_head]

Your memories remain inside your mind. They're only displayed and recalled from fragments you may have forgotten.

Private;

[ichoosefight]

If there's anything I've forgotten there's a 60-40 chance that I really don't want to remember it.