keeps_a_cool_head | Log 0020

Were you threatened?

Much as it's tempting to paint myself the victim, "threatened" would be a stretch. More that I was having a bad mood spell and clearly wanted to be left alone -- said new warden instead thought it was a good time to have a go at me. He was looking for a fight. And he got it.

Fortunate you weren't caught and punished. There is a distinct streak of favoritism that's difficult to combat, looking as you do.

I don't know entirely know about 'fortunate'. But, there was a witness. And I know my warden knows about it now, at least. My best guess is making me come out on this little expedition is my punishment.

Is this port really such a trial for you, Derek?

A trial? No. But it is an annoyance. A nuisance.

I take no pleasure from this type of environment, and, not to overstate a point. But I haven't exactly been feeling very social lately.

Are you being forced into social situations? I hear the woods are quite isolated.

They are, and yet.

Let's just say you would be surprised.

Surprise me.

Well I've already run into about four different people, out here. And not a one of them was looking for me on purpose.

You do tend to stand out in a crowd.

[Says the alien bondage master that radiates heat.]

[That gets a short, wry laugh from him.] Why thank you. But as a matter of fact, I've gotten my skin back, again. So at least the warden's vaguely good for something.

My congratulations to you. Do you still generate heat beneath your skin?

Oh yes. It's not a cure for the disease, merely a somewhat thorough and mostly effective mask for the symptoms.

Why do you insist on calling it a disease, Derek?

Well, if we're being technical, that was a metaphor.

But admittedly one that it is all too apt as to how I view my physical state. It's an ailment, a disability. Something that needs to be fixed or at the very least worked around.

You're needlessly victimizing yourself. What you think of as a weakness can also be your greatest strength.

[That gets a sharp pause out of him, because 'victimizing'? Really, Scorpius?]

Some strengths require sacrifices in order to maintain. And this is one that comes with too hefty a pricetag.

And what price would that be?

I can't help feeling I would have to reinvent myself completely, in order to make this fit in. Changing the way I self-identify.

[His words are more curt, now. You know how he feels bout change when it comes to himself.]

Make no mistake, Derek: you've changed already. Changing your perception of yourself only means that you cease lying about what you are.

[Those words hit a different button Scorpius may not have even intended -- because him having already changed, personality wise, thinking wise, is the red letter issue for the day around here.

He's been trying so hard to fight the battle that nothing has been done to him that he isn't capable of undoing.

But by the time this port is coming along, he's teetering on the edge of having to acknowledge he's lost that battle. Still stubbornly trying to cling though, white-knuckled.]

And what about you? Do you find that so natural to accept, when something comes along that threatens to shake you up at the foundation?

Or do you stand your ground?

If something were to shake my foundation, I would retreat, adjust my tactics, and come at the problem anew.

It's all an adjustment.

It's all about persistence, then, is it? But then what about pride?

Pride has its place, when negotiating with those who can be intimidated into backing down.

But I will always sacrifice pride for results.

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