Log 0015 - [Voice]

[keeps_a_cool_head]

It is with considerable disappointment that I report the departure of Hiziki Gard.

A word to the Admiral: make certain the next warden you assign me is sustainable. Inconsistencies and lapses are a sign of disorganization within your operations.

[Private to Catra]

I trust you've recovered from your ordeal.

[Private to the Boy, Mira]

The Chair is ready for its initial testing.

[Spam for Crichton]

[Now unpaired, Scorpius feels at liberty to test a few less-than-savory parts of his growing arsenal in the battle for John's mind. He waits patiently in the hallway towards Crichton's room, working diligently on Francis' crossword puzzle. Most of the human references escape him, but he's been doing research. Slowly but surely he'll understand this perplexing species that overwhelms the Barge in sheer number]

Comments

[voice ; private]

[keeps_a_cool_head]

On occasion I've been known to spend time thinking about perfection through the eyes of others.

[voice ; private]

[walkingmeltdown]

Because why? [Not judging, just...not at all following, yet.]

[voice ; private]

[keeps_a_cool_head]

Because I am as far from perfect a being as you are most likely to get. I have known hatred and scorn since I was an infant because of my imperfections. Perhaps it is vanity, but I wish to understand how I am lacking.

[voice ; private]

[walkingmeltdown]

And you think what others have to say about you might hold an answer.

[Good thing this is voice because the look Blight is giving on his end is...dubious, to say the least. He has a very strong feeling that this might have something to do with that whole 'mixed breed' thing.

Not of course that he's foolish enough to directly say so.]

I'm sure I hardly need to tell you that listening too much to what other people think is a good way to undermine your own self confidence. And that it'll rarely provide the most concrete of answers.

[voice ; private]

[keeps_a_cool_head]

Not necessarily. I have always been a product of self-definition.

Do you think I lack self-confidence?

[voice ; private]

[walkingmeltdown]

You? [He's smiling, vaguely amused. It carries in tone.] Not in the least. Maybe that's why I find it so surprising, this interest of yours.

[voice ; private]

[keeps_a_cool_head]

On some occasions I have found myself wondering how different life would have been if I had looked differently. If I could pass for one species or the other.

[voice ; private]

[walkingmeltdown]

It's natural to wonder. But it doesn't do much in the way of concrete good.

[voice ; private]

[keeps_a_cool_head]

Correct.

Your transformation. Was it difficult to adjust to the way others saw you?

[voice ; private]

[walkingmeltdown]

I didn't let many people see me this way, if I could help it. That...probably already answers your question, in and of itself.

[voice ; private]

[keeps_a_cool_head]

Ashamed of yourself?

[voice ; private]

[walkingmeltdown]

Not particularly. But it's something that would have been rather hard to explain away, at the office.

[voice ; private]

[keeps_a_cool_head]

Why lower yourself to an explanation, if you aren't ashamed? It is no one else's business.

[voice ; private]

[walkingmeltdown]

[He makes a brief sound of humor, at the thought of him going about his business back in Gotham, making no excuses or bones about his altered physiology.]

Strictly speaking you may be right, but a company the size of mine is no longer entirely immune to public opinion. And the details of how exactly this happened would likely be considered by the press a tad...unsavory if shared. [Also, you know, he was kind of doing something that was several ways illegal.] But too hard to obfuscate, or explain away otherwise.

[voice ; private]

[keeps_a_cool_head]

Does your world shun those who are different to them? Perhaps if you were to treat it as an overcoming of obstacles, and your flaunting of rules as a show of strength...but then, public opinion holds no sway over my own position.

I suppose both situations have their disadvantages.

[voice ; private]

[walkingmeltdown]

Quite right. [Slightly dry, but he drops it after brief contemplation.] You know, honestly, I think the real reason was more that I viewed my condition as temporary. So why bother letting anyone who didn't have to know? I only needed to hide it until I was cured.

[voice ; private]

[keeps_a_cool_head]

And now you understand its permanence?

[voice ; private]

[walkingmeltdown]

[Urgh. Way to make a knot suddenly turn in his gut, Scorpius.] I'm...coming around to the idea. A few people here have offered help, though. Not quite ready to throw in the towel just yet.

[voice ; private]

[keeps_a_cool_head]

I would not rely so heavily on their assistance. The Barge can snatch them away precisely in the moment you need them most.

But of course, if you were to graduate, you could make a deal to restore yourself.

[voice ; private]

[walkingmeltdown]

Come back and spend more time here willingly? Perish the thought. But you do, as always, make some unfortunately good points.

[voice ; private]

[keeps_a_cool_head]

I find it's helpful to be..realistic about one's disadvantages.

[voice ; private]

[walkingmeltdown]

Fortunately, I've never been that much of an optimist. I'll adjust.

[Well, he can say as much, anyway. He's still desperately clinging to the potential for a fix, but the idea settles somewhere in the back of his mind: he's lived it with this long. If it comes to that, he'll just keep on going. Somehow.]

[voice ; private]

[keeps_a_cool_head]

[Scorpius struggles to maintain sympathy, but it's difficult for him, given his similar experiences]

Adjustment is all we can hope for at times.