keeps_a_cool_head | Log 0020

Log 0020 - [Voice]

It is with confidence I report that the native species here are generally of a friendlier nature. Their food is tolerable and they are easily persuaded to provide it to strangers.

They seem armed with rudimentary weapons. Theoretically any one of us could launch a successful attack and come away with minimal casualties.

If the need should arise, of course.

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[He's audibly breathing through his teeth for a bit, only very vaguely able to be grateful this isn't on visual so Scorpius can actually watch him freaking out.]

What I'm still certain of is that I want to leave this wretched, noxious, tiresome, awful place. I want my freedom.

...What I should want, also, is to go back to the way things used to be, in Gotham. Back to my old life. I honestly don't know if I can do that anymore. Not after here, after all this. Not after the things that have happened to me.

The Barge has already changed you in that capacity. Look at yourself now, versus when you first arrived. You are noticeably different people.

But are you so fundamentally twisted into something horrific?

I liked the person that I was. I enjoyed the life that I had. The things I had done, the accomplishments I had to be proud of.

[This should be adamant but it's more stubborn, protesting against what Scorpius is going for, the very same point that all his Warden acquaintances have been trying to make.]

I didn't have the baggage of all these extra people dragging me down. Holding me back. I lived self-sufficient, self-reliant. For my own benefit. It's bad enough that Batman made me into a freak and gave me these anger issues, and my son drove the knife in and stole away his inheritance before I was ready to give it up to him. Now this Barge has made me uncertain, and soft, and...wounded. [He spits out the word like it disgusts him. But then, it does.]

[Scorpius considers Blight's outburst for what it is. He recognizes traits of the man's angst in his own personal, private struggle. He too was independent, self-reliant to a fault. But he never really wished to be.

Their fights are similar and different. Blight had a family, a culture, and a life before he was turned into a freak of nature. Scorpius was a freak from the moment he was born.

He considers whether it's worse to have never known a comfortable, ordinary life, or to have known it and then have it snatched away.

Quietly, without looking away, he replies,]

It's perfectly all right to be wounded.

[Blight knows what he would choose - you can't miss what you never had.

In his case, what he misses the most is the feeling of stability and self-confidence that came from being emotionally attached, totally isolated.

But the more he tries to shut that opened door, the more he finds he simply can't force it back closed. This opening into his soul and raw psyche, it refuses to go away again. To leave him in peace. To let him heal.]

Not for me, it's not. It...it just isn't. It never has been.

[Instead of yelling now he's going quieter and quieter. Voice dulling.]

I don't accept failures. I never accept defeat.

Being wounded is not a defeat, Derek. We are only defeated when we are dead and can no longer continue our work.

You will come back from this stronger, because failure is a lesson we need much more than the lesson of success.

It may sound trite, but I assure you of its veracity.

[It's hard to listen to maybe because he already knows this. Did know this. Once. Perhaps he let himself forget over time.

That's the problem with pushing your way to the top. He told himself he never let his guard down when, clearly, he had. He did.

It's a hard pill to swallow, such a comical failing in retrospect. He let himself lose track of one of his own first lessons he would stress to others as crucial: Never stop striving, never stop fighting, never stop. He frets and fusses about being made softer here when in his own way he had already gotten soft.]

No. I believe you. I...understand. I know.

Edited 2014-09-02 00:40 (UTC)

I'm glad you understand.

And for all your concerns about becoming kinder, softer, weaker..

I have known others to accomplish with kindness what I could not do with a thousand threats and armed force.

Now, of course that's not how we were built. But it is something to consider, before you think the Barge is changing you into a manipulated pet.

[He laughs a bit, softly, under his breath. But he supposes he can't even say that Scorpius is entirely off base here.

Some of the most formidable people on this ship are also the ones that go the most out of their way to be kind.

He still can't truly call it a strength. But he does have enough problems, doesn't he, without having to be constantly at war within himself.]

You always do find the...oddest things to say. [Worst, most helpful, most prodding, least expected. All of that and maybe more.]

I should hope they've helped you, at least partially. But not having graduated, I'm not fully in a position of expertise.

I don't count the wardens as being automatically the voice of expertise. After all, we've both seen some of the people they let be in charge around here.

[See, if they've moved on to jokes, even snide ones, this is a good sign, right?]

I have.

But there are some that have worthy things to share. I'd take caution in painting them all with the same brush.

Oh, I know that also. Some of my best friends, apparently, are wardens.

[The irony on "apparently" is more of a "so I have friends now", not so much on anything else.]

That's an advantageous position to be in, Derek.

Well. It could be.

[A thoughtful pause.]

Supergirl - Kara Zor-El - owes me a favor. After the Mirror Barge. [Where their crazy counterparts fought and hers ended up tearing his to pieces.] She felt bad, offered to do something for me. I couldn't think of anything at time, so.

I've been holding onto it. Just in case.

A wise decision. She's quite a powerful person, warden or otherwise.

Ordinarily I would suggest waiting until you need it, but there is always the additional danger of her sudden disappearance.

There is, at that. I've considered it. In the long game however I feel I'd actually rather run the risk of a favor completely wasted, rather than ask for something less than the potential worth of the open possibilities.

You like securing options.

That's fair to say, yes. Not that I never take risks. They're always...calculated.

What would you consider worth turning in your favor for, Derek?

What compels you at this stage of your rehabilitation?

Yet another question that when compelled to answer honestly, I can only say "I don't know."

[He sighs, faintly.]

Maybe that's why I haven't cashed it in yet. Right now despite my best intentions I feel rather adrift. Perhaps later that will change.

Perhaps later I will actually want something she can do for me. And then I'll regret no longer having the upper hand.

You can always gain additional favors. This is not some one-time-only situation.

Even if you must manufacture the situation from which favors can be produced.

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